Day 22

Alright, time to confess my sins. I don't really want to, but if I want to use this blog to be accountable then I really have to. Yesterday I had a major slip up food-wise. Instead of eating what I should have as per the Jenny menu I treated myself to a small Tim Horton's Raspberry Smoothie (approximately 150 calories), 120g of beef jerky (approximately 300 calories), and four fudgee-o's (approximately 260 calories). So overall I didn't get much bang for my buck. I felt like I had only indulged a little but calorie-wise I had 680 empty calories...well let's be honest the beef jerky was a least protein but it also packs a heck of a lot of sodium! Now I have two choices a) I can be overcome with guilt and begin the downward spiral towards quitting this weight loss journey or b) I can use this as a learning experience to see what caused this binge. I vote for choice B.

So the first thing I know is that Cat told me that she had 2 small french vanilla coffee's from Tim Horton's this week (I had joined her for the second one). So I felt like hey if she's indulging why can't I? Well, hello the obvious answer would be to say “I thought it was my personal goal to do better than her this week?”What better way then to not indulge when she is indulging? Secondly, not only is it not okay for me to cheat but it's only not okay for me to encourage Cat to cheat. She is my friend and her not doing well isn't going to help me to do better. In fact the opposite is true, when she does well I do well because we can encourage each other.

The second thing was that I had an argument with Tyler when I told him that I was craving chips. I was like, well I'm going to have them at which point he stepped in and said “No you can't”. No I can't? The hell I can't...you're not the boss of me. Not exactly an adult way to respond but that's how I responded. What I really wanted from him was some sympathy and support. Like “hey it sucks that you want them & you can't have them but you're doing great babe, stick with it”. Not his “well you're doing better than I expected”. Talk about setting me up for failure. He just doesn't get it, which is so frustrating. He thinks it's completely a mind over matter thing because he doesn't have a weight problem. I think that if he could get on board the way I need him to I would have a much better chance of success. How can I avoid this pitfall in the future? I'm not really sure...but I'd better figure something out. Any suggestions? I have tried talking to him about it but it's like talking to a wall...

The third thing is that it was Saturday night and I was feeling lonely. So what do I do when I'm lonely? Munch. It would have been a lot better if I had munched on some veggies instead of cookies & beef jerky...but not very satisfying. Hmmm, another obstacle to mull over.
The fourth and last element is that of cravings. I was craving to do something bad, to eat something I shouldn't, to feel “normal”. So I did. Did I feel normal? No. Did I feel guilty? Yes. What lesson did I learn from this? Food won't make you happy, after all has it worked so far? No.

My saving grace for Saturday is that at least I went to the gym for 30 minutes. Now 30 minutes will not make up for the damage I caused, but it will help to minimize it. And I'm going today. Pretty much right after I publish this blog, so until later...