Day 38 (minus 6 days for cheating)

Why do I keep cheating this week? Or more accurately this month. Isn't that the question. I'm not really sure. I have noticed that sometimes I really care & want to stick with this whole system & my progress, and others I'm like f*ck it: I want KFC so I'm eating KFC. More specifically I'm talking about last night. I consciously made the decision to go through the KFC drive through and order my dinner from there last night. The chicken strips & poutine tasted good but shortly after & straight through to right now my stomach hurt. Most intelligent people would say, hey my body is rejecting this so maybe it isn't good for me & maybe I shouldn't eat it. Non-intelligent people (such as myself) go, hey i might as well shovel some cookies in my mouth while I'm at it.

Why do I sabotage myself? I don't really cheat when others are around (like at work) but when I'm home alone I sometimes sneak things in. I guess I sometimes feel that when I control the food that goes in my mouth I have power, no one else. What good has this power done for me though? It's left me with a body that is lumpy, unattractive, ill functioning and pathetic. I'm so screwed up. What really jerks my chain is that I know I've got some mental work to do but every time I try to see a counselor about it they just give me their opinion of what diet I should be on & what exercise I should be doing.

Tomorrow, Kelsey (yes, ms.ketchup chips) is planning on joining my gym and doing weight training & aerobic exercises with me. That's exciting. It's so much more motivating to go to the gym when someone you know is going to be there...well somewhat. It can be intimidating, but at the same time, motivating. Tomorrow is also weigh in, & I am really feeling like I should be up this week. Maybe being up, will be a wake up call to get my act together...I just can't help but realize that this time last year I was dieting & I wasn't successful. How can I change my mindset and taste buds to stay on track permanently?