Day 32 Weigh in Wednesday

Ugh. Not only am I disappointed with my lack of amazing weight loss results but this is the 2nd time I've had to write this post because the first time there was no connection!!

Okay, so my results: 2.2 lbs this week, 12.1 lbs total. Slow & steady wins the race? It doesn't feel like it. Cat lost another 3+ lbs, making her total 15+lbs so far...so, so frustrating. I voiced my frustrations to my jenny consultant and she pointed out (as I know) that there are so many factors that could be different between us that we can't really compare results. But so far we have had 5 weigh in's & Cat has done better than me at 4 of them, and her total is more than mine.

I really feel though, that Cat is going HARDCORE which is what I did when I had my trainer last year, and where did that leave me? Um, yeah a year later & I'm fatter than I was last year. So for me, this time it's about long term life changes. So when I go to the theatre am I going to starve myself & feel the need to binge? No, I get the small popcorn w/o butter & a diet pop, because for my life I like to have a treat at the theatre (& no, not carrot sticks).

When Tyler's mom comes over am I going to eat my jenny food in a closet & pretend I'm not hungry when they order in pizza? No, I'm going to insist we go out for dinner where I can make my own choice about what to put in my mouth.

When I go out for lunch on Friday am I going to take the easy road & order tossed greens and then eat my jenny food when I get back? No, I'm going to order something at the restaurant & live with the decisions I make. If I want to get the stuffed mushrooms, then I need to go the gym on thursday & work my butt off to earn it. That's the way to get to a healthy lifestyle.

Balance, not extremes. Flexibility, not strictness. Give & take. Progress not perfection.

Day 31

Well tonight I watched the "Biggest Loser, Season Two" finale & I was so Thinspired! Almost every single person had a phenomonal weight loss. It's unbelievable. Suzy started out at 220 lbs and through diet and exercise she is now a size 8 (Suzy's after pictured at left, to see more go to www.nbc.com).

So, after watching the show I got my butt off the couch and went to the gym: water, ipod & book in tow. As I may have mentioned before, I recently discovered the Elliptical trainer. What fun! I almost feel like an athlete on that machine!

I find that I can really push myself on that machine & at times I feel like I'm running...which I pretty much have never done (run that is, not picturing it). So good times at the gym.

However, after coming home from the gym I find myself 'famished'. "What can I eat?" keeps going through my head, over & over. I've eaten 2 eggs (so a little extra protein as per the jenny consultant) and I think I could eat like 1/3 of a protein bar cuz I never did finish mine today, but then I'm cut off.

I have a lunch out on Friday for a girl at work's last day. We're going to Boston Pizza (pretty much my favorite restaurant) and I'm torn between getting something tasty in a small portion (say an appetizer) or getting some lame ass greens w/o dressing (cuz they don't have fat free dressing) and eating a jenny lunch when I get back. Real life: I should order real food & start practising the portion control element of my new lifestyle versus relying on the jenny food cuz that won't always be there.

T minus 22 hours until weigh in...

Day 29

Yesterday was a tough day...Tyler's mom showed up unexpectedly. See I don't want most people to know that I'm on a "diet". I don't know why, I'm just sensitive about it right now. So I was off to the gym when she showed up. Luckily, after some chatter I still went to the gym BUT then we went out for supper (versus ording in pizza). I ordered a steak (which I have been craving), w/ salad on the side, no dressing, and water...which would be fine, but then I ordered the mushroom skillet to start (which was unbelievable).

Good points: I didn't order the potatoes on the side, I didn't get a pop, I didn't get dressing and I gave up my garlic toast to Tyler from my mushroom skillet, and I ordered diet pop at the theatre.

Bad points: my steak portion was too large (but yummy), it had salt on it, there was cheese on the tossed salad (presumably not low fat), the mushrooms were covered in a buttery cream sauce and I ordered a popcorn (sans butter) from the theatre.

Extra Good Point: I went to the gym for 30 minutes before we went out on Saturday & I went for 1 hour on Sunday.

28 Days Later

I got some inspiration today. I was on the phone with my aunt & she confided in me that her son (my cousin, pictured at left) is having weight issues. Now there is nothing I can relate to more than feeling overweight in school (he's 13) and all the negative crap that goes with it. I have tons of ideas on ways he can get in shape but how convincing would I be when I, right now am fat? So maybe I need to be a role model for him...maybe if I lost the weight I wanted to, that would be the best way to show him it can be done? It really got me thinking though, that they aren't really any weight loss programs aimed for males...why is that?

Is it because as females, we put a lot more weight (pardon the pun) on our appearance? Or is it that women tend to reach out to external programs for support versus trying to do it on our own? Or are women more willing to admit that they need the support to be successful? Quite a perplexing situation...

Day 26

Okay, I wanted to confess right away: I gave in to a craving.

I got my nails down right after work so I didn't really find the time to eat my dinner before I went. I emerged from the nail salon at 7pm, hungry & smelling pub wings & steak. So on my drive home I stopped at 7-Eleven and got wings and licorice. I got 6 boneless wings and 2 pieces of licorice.

However, I am not going to feel guilty about this. I believe I exercised portion control here as well as variety control. Before I started Jenny Craig I had 7-Eleven wings at least once/week and I probably got a dozen wings or more. In addition to that I likely would have gotten a pop (non diet of course), chips (which are 300-400 calories a bag), a chocolate bar and some type of candy like gummies or twinkies(& I wonder how I got fat?). Plus I probably would have hit 7-Eleven or another like store and gotten pop/chips/chocolate/baking/candy on a few more nights that week (if not every night).

I want this to be a lifestyle change & it's not going to be if I berate myself for each decision I make. I decided to eat the junk tonight. So I should enjoy it and then move on. Now, should I allow myself to eat the junk every time I have a craving & didn't get around to eating dinner? NO. I want to get to a point where I can say no, where I crave other non-junk food, and where eating the junk is a once in a while thing. I deal with a vending machine daily at work every time I go into our lunch room area. Every day I say no. That's an achievement. It's progress not perfection.

Good news: I wanted chips too and after reading the amount of calories in each of those tinee, tiny bags I set them down & opted for 2 pieces of licorce instead.

This weekend will be a challenge for me because Tyler is coming home & he'll be eating "normal food"...which I will then be craving just on the premise that I can't have it.

Day 25: Weigh In Wednesday

I'm pretty tired so I'm just going to post the results and I'll analyze tomorrow.

Pounds lost this week: 2 lbs

Total Pounds lost: 9.9 lbs

Inches Lost Bust this month: 1 inch

Inches Lost Belly Button Area this month: 1 inch

Inches Lost Hip Bone Area this month: 2.5 inches

Inches Lost Ass Area this month: 6 inches

Total Inches Lost this month: 10.5 inches

DISCLAIMER: Those are not my feet/legs in the above picture...it is a generic picture I got off the internet.

Day 25 (pre weigh in)

Hi. Okay, how am I doing? Well I did not go to the gym on Monday or Tuesday, but I also didn't binge either! My supper yesterday was kind of gross (pasta parmesan) so I fried it up with Pam, some frozen broccoli & a 1/4 cup of frozen corn...that made it edible. However I think I'll be adding it to my DNL (did not like) list along with my chili con carne and raspberry cheesecake. The cheesecake is alright but I think that I'd rather have another snack, such as say popcorn, instead.

The day before I gave in to my egg craving & fried two eggs in pam (155 calories) instead of eating my protein bar (237 calories) so I ate less calories but a little more fat (11g vs. 8.4g). As usual, we'll tell tonight if my choices were poor ones. Maybe I'm being to "substitutey" with my decisions & I should work on sticking to the plan better...but really when you think about it I'm trying to learn how to make better decisions, not how to live my life by someone else's plan.

Tonight we get measured in addition to weighing in. I'm excited as my pants do feel loose...

Day 23

Okay I didn't go to the gym right after my post, but I did go later so mission accomplished.

Today I am having cravings for eggs, either "Mary Eggs" or an egg salad sandwich. Just in case you're wondering "Mary Eggs" are dubbed after my mother-in-law who makes the best fried eggs in a special pan with lots of butter...they are delicious & even though she taught me her secrets they still don't taste the same. Otherwise my day is going okay.

Day 22

Alright, time to confess my sins. I don't really want to, but if I want to use this blog to be accountable then I really have to. Yesterday I had a major slip up food-wise. Instead of eating what I should have as per the Jenny menu I treated myself to a small Tim Horton's Raspberry Smoothie (approximately 150 calories), 120g of beef jerky (approximately 300 calories), and four fudgee-o's (approximately 260 calories). So overall I didn't get much bang for my buck. I felt like I had only indulged a little but calorie-wise I had 680 empty calories...well let's be honest the beef jerky was a least protein but it also packs a heck of a lot of sodium! Now I have two choices a) I can be overcome with guilt and begin the downward spiral towards quitting this weight loss journey or b) I can use this as a learning experience to see what caused this binge. I vote for choice B.

So the first thing I know is that Cat told me that she had 2 small french vanilla coffee's from Tim Horton's this week (I had joined her for the second one). So I felt like hey if she's indulging why can't I? Well, hello the obvious answer would be to say “I thought it was my personal goal to do better than her this week?”What better way then to not indulge when she is indulging? Secondly, not only is it not okay for me to cheat but it's only not okay for me to encourage Cat to cheat. She is my friend and her not doing well isn't going to help me to do better. In fact the opposite is true, when she does well I do well because we can encourage each other.

The second thing was that I had an argument with Tyler when I told him that I was craving chips. I was like, well I'm going to have them at which point he stepped in and said “No you can't”. No I can't? The hell I can't...you're not the boss of me. Not exactly an adult way to respond but that's how I responded. What I really wanted from him was some sympathy and support. Like “hey it sucks that you want them & you can't have them but you're doing great babe, stick with it”. Not his “well you're doing better than I expected”. Talk about setting me up for failure. He just doesn't get it, which is so frustrating. He thinks it's completely a mind over matter thing because he doesn't have a weight problem. I think that if he could get on board the way I need him to I would have a much better chance of success. How can I avoid this pitfall in the future? I'm not really sure...but I'd better figure something out. Any suggestions? I have tried talking to him about it but it's like talking to a wall...

The third thing is that it was Saturday night and I was feeling lonely. So what do I do when I'm lonely? Munch. It would have been a lot better if I had munched on some veggies instead of cookies & beef jerky...but not very satisfying. Hmmm, another obstacle to mull over.
The fourth and last element is that of cravings. I was craving to do something bad, to eat something I shouldn't, to feel “normal”. So I did. Did I feel normal? No. Did I feel guilty? Yes. What lesson did I learn from this? Food won't make you happy, after all has it worked so far? No.

My saving grace for Saturday is that at least I went to the gym for 30 minutes. Now 30 minutes will not make up for the damage I caused, but it will help to minimize it. And I'm going today. Pretty much right after I publish this blog, so until later...

Day 21

Yesterday was a tough day. I was having cravings for chips, chocolate and even Quizno's. When I went to used up my gift certificate at VHQ one couple where discussing what kind of chips they should have: Salt & Vinegar, Dill Pickle, BBQ...all that talk was really making me want some chips but I resisted, bought my movie and went home.

I made it to the gym yesterday, FINALLY. I renewed my membership at the beginning of November and here we are about 2/3's of the way through and I'm just getting there. But at least I went & I stayed for about 30 minutes.

Anyhoo, as the evening progressed I was finding the cravings were getting stronger. Then as I started to watch the Much Music Countdown I saw Ashlee Simpson, Hilary Duff and Fergie (of BEP) with their skinniness on my TV. Now that's motivation...so the cravings subsided and my focus was renewed.

Cat invited me over to watch a movie with her (The Perfect Man check out my opinion on my movie review blog) where one of the main characters just happens to bake cakes...mmmmm, cakes. So I munched on my precut veggies that I brought along. Not cake, but it helped take my mind off the craving.

Day 19

I was looking over my Jenny menu & I noticed the affirmation for the week:

"My goal is progress, not perfection." True 'dat.

I love it! When I was dieting I strived for perfection and continuously failed. As I start on the path to a lifestyle change I must remember it is progress that counts.

My lunch today is chicken salad w/ crackers (which I've been really craving) and applesauce. The chicken salad reminds me of antipasto so I'm really enjoying it.

P.S. I can hardly wait for the day when my life does NOT revolve around food :-)

Day 18 (Weigh In Wednesday)

When my Jenny Craig consultant invited me in for our chat I insisted that I get weighed first. I guess I decided that the amount of complaining I would do would be directly related to how much weight I lost or did not lose. So on the scale I went & I am down another 2.1 lbs making the total 7.9 lbs. I was okay with that. We went to the room & I told her that I had a hard week because not one day went by without me not liking one of the meals so I had to substitue on my own. She sympathized but said I did well because I'm down in weight (as opposed to maintaining or gaining).

So I was okay & looking forward to my new week of food (most of which I have had before & know I like)...then Cat (my partner in crime) came out with this cheshire cat grin on her face..."how much weight did you lose?" she asks innocently. I was like "how much weight did you lose?" (last week she got mad at me cuz I lost more, even though I have at least like 25 more pounds to lose than her). She's like "I asked first" so I told her. Then she informed me that she had lost over 5 lbs this week making her total 10.5 lbs!!!! I was/am so jealous. After all not only was she already closer to her goal weight but now she has lost 2.6 lbs more than me in total. Don't get me wrong, I am really happy for Cat (she was just beaming from the news) I just don't understand why I didn't do just as good. So I told her that my new personal goal is to lose more weight than her next week (I'm so competitive, it's sad).

My points of action are as follows:

-substituting skim milk for 1%,

-no lowfat cheese substitutions this week,

-follow jenny craig 100% this week (hopefully I'll like all the meals and not have to create own),

-maybe get some exercise in.

Oh, but one more story. After, I dropped Cat off and went home to lug in my groceries: we had done our weekly shopping after Jenny Craig. I set the bags on the island and was looking for a place to set my purse because the phone was ringing...all of a sudden I hear a crash and I turn around to see my new jar of pickles in a shamble of glass & pickles on the floor. The pickle juice starts to run everywhere and I just feel like crying. Basically I was disappointed after the weigh in & I get so tired of dropping, breaking & spilling things (I'm really clutzy) that this incident just pushed me over the edge. Then as I'm cleaning up the mess the phone rings again; it's Tyler and I'm basically sobbing on the phone about spilt pickles...ah, life can get so retarded sometimes.

Day 17

Oy! This has been a terrible, terrible week. I can't wait until it's over (24 hours until weigh in). Again, tonight I didn't like my supper. So I had to substitute. I've been following the caloric limits so I think I'll be okay but part of me believes that there is some magic in Jenny's food & if I don't eat their food than I'm not going to loss weight?! Guess we'll see.

I've decided to start tracking everything (& I mean everything right down to mustard) to see exactly how many calories I am consuming each day. Also so that I can see how much of what I am eating is carbs, protein or fat. I'm pretty much a numbers & graphs person so I like http://www.fitday.com/ because there are percentages and pie charts...hmmm pie.

So today there were more temptations at work: cake & timbits. Though I wasn't really craving either one so I was okay. On a temptations scale of 1 to 5 I'd give today a 1. I wonder why some days are more difficult than others? I'm sure there are way too many factors to pinpoint the answer to that question.

The Biggest Loser was on tonight and that show never ceases to inspire me. Jeff went into the show weighing 370 lbs and now he weighs 240 lbs (oh, and he's 6'1 so that's a really respectable weight). I'm sure he'll need a little bit of skin surgery judging from the after shots, but boy does he still look great. This episode also featured one of the contestants, Andrea, cheating and eating brownies. The way I thought about her in the moment was like a mini wake up call to myself. Do I really need those treats? They'll still be there once I hit my goal weight...

Day 16 (morning)

I had a terrible weekend foodwise. The urge to cheat was overwhelming this weekend. I'm not sure what was causing this though. I had a dream where I was eating licorce so that spawned a licorce craving...plus Tyler was home & eating completely normal food which made me want to eat that (pepperoni, garlic sausage, ice cream, toast).

I also found myself completely dreading eating my Jenny food. Not sure why as most of it was technically pretty appetizing looking (pastas & such), but the mere thought of eating it made me want to barf. So on Saturday & Sunday I found that I had eaten about 1 meal & 1 snack short of my day's worth in calories.

At one point I was even contemplating quitting. I was thinking "is this worth it" & "maybe I'm meant to be fat" & "maybe I don't care and I'd rather eat the chips". I'm fairly certain that the only thing keeping me going was that I was writing on this blog and I couldn't image writing that I had quit or that I had majorly cheated on here. The desire was really strong...

P.S. my lunch (lasagna) tastes like a mix of chalk & black licorce (which i don't like by the way)... :-(

Day 12 & Day 13

Thursday... (Day 12)

The main pitfall of Thursday was that I didn't like my “sweet & sour chicken” that was suppose to be my supper. Armed with the information I had gained about substitution from my check in the night before I felt confident that I was ready for the challenge. Supper equals 4 meats, 2 starches, 1 vegetable (although veggies are “free”) and 1 fat. So I took one can of water packed tuna mixed with pickles, onions, and 1 tbsp of fat free margarine spread it on 2 slices of whole wheat bread and ate the remainder on a bed of greens. I was quite full after my meal and fairly certain that I had done a good job of substituting for the icky sweet and sour chicken. I ended up not needing to eat a fruit portion for the day. (Good or bad?)

Friday...(Day 13)

Friday was a holiday so I had the entire day to potentially mess up my plan. I had an appointment to see a psychic in the morning in Edmonton & then I was planning on spending the day w/ my friend Melissa who lives in Edmonton. One of the cool things that happened at the psychic was that her cards spelled out “FIT” & I hadn't even asked about my weight loss journey. I was happy to see that!

Anyhoo, Melissa & I decided to take in a movie (“Four Brothers” check out my http://moviereviewsbycrystal.blogspot.com for details). I had previously decided that if we went to a movie I was going to consider getting a diet pop & small popcorn (unbuttered of course). When we got to the theatre (after going through West Edmonton's restaurant row & the food court) I saw they only had diet coke (I prefer pepsi) so I opted for a small popcorn and a bottle of water. When the concession boy handed over the popcorn I took one look at it and said “Hey Melissa do you want to share?”. So I still probably ate about 2/3 of the bag which I am guessing equals 4 – 5 cups of popcorn.

This morning I “asked jeeves” how many calories were in theatre popcorn and got:
A 3-cup serving of plain movie-theater popcorn is 165 calories and 9 grams of fat.
Which means I roughly consumed say 275 calories from popcorn in about 20 minutes. I did find I was quite full for the rest of the day though so I didn't eat my snack bar & my dinner (which was rotini w/ meatballs & canned pears) so I think it may have balanced out.
I refuse to feel guilty about my popcorn decision because:
a) I enjoyed it,
b) I weighed my options and decided to eat the popcorn, and
this is a lifestyle change and I will never give up my tradition of eating at the theatre I just have to learn make better choices (I normally would have gotten popcorn or nachos, some kind of sweet like licorice, and some chocolate like whoppers or a chocolate bar).

I view my theatre trip as a success not a failure. At the same time I will have to accept the consequences of my actions and know that I may not lose any weight this week when I weigh in. But sorry Jenny Craig I didn't sign up for this thing for you , I did it for me! So if it takes one more week to hit my goal weight but I learn how to lead a life I can live with forever that is far more important.

Day 11 (post weigh in)

The results are in: 3.7 lbs down. So a total of about 5.7 lbs maybe 5.8 lbs...

So I'm neither happy nor disappointed with these results. Which I suppose is good because I didn't want to get obsessed with the number. I think my energy is returning because I didn't get to bed until 1:30am last night (last week I was in bed by 10pm every night)!

My new menu for the week is chock full of pasta which scares me because I'm a really picky eater (I know, shocking, cuz how do you get fat being a picky eater) and not a big fan of most sauces & pastas are known for coming with sauce. Jenny has a 3 week menu rotation, so after the first three weeks of trial eating I should have the foods narrowed down to just what I like to eat. No more experimenting! I can't wait.

Oh and I had a break-through today. My company was offering to pay for our plate at a retirement dinner if we went (say it with me: free food) and I turned it down cuz I know it will be too tempting for me to stay on track. Yes people I turned down free food. Maybe there's hope for me after all?!

Day 11 (pre weigh in)

Today wasn't too bad hunger-level wise. I felt quite satisfied & barely tempted all day long...however Kelsey was eating Old Dutch Ketchup chips (which just so happen to be my FAVORITE chips) and that was a little swaying. Although I had brought my lemon cake to work to eat & it made me feel better that I could go back & eat my cake versus say veggie sticks.

I'm quite nervous about my weigh in tonight (2 hours away). I want to see results but I don't want this whole thing to be a focus on results. After all, I'm strongly considering confiscating Catharina's scale cuz she keeps weighing herself in between the weeks! If you're reading this Catharina, consider yourself warned!!!

It's funny, I'm reading this fictional novel about 3 women & one of the women is contantly in battle with herself to lose weight. She vows to starve herself but at the first temptation binges. Then she is overcome with guilt over what she has done, but her cycle continues. She struggles between what she thinks she should be and the behavior she chooses. Her fictional life is strikingly similar to my non-fiction one.

Day 10

Above, from left to right: Nikki, Vanessa, Melody, Me, Calli (my sis), Diane (my mom).
One of my favorite pictures! Taken a few hours before my wedding after we all got our hair done but still in normal clothes...

What a long, long, long day. First thing this morning as I was nuking my breakfast I notice a giant black forest cake with really yummy looking icing & lots of cherries. Oh how tempting! Then my co-worker Katherine told me that she had a dream about me where I was really skinny. Thanks Katherine!! That was just the mental image I needed to stay on track.

But then at lunch time there was a second cake (though not as appealing) and some rice krispy squares (which looked awesome). I wanted to eat it all, but I didn't.

So my supper was disgusting tonight, some chicken in a gross sauce & rice...I couldn't eat it...couldn't even begin to try. So I strayed from the diet a little. I looked at the number of calories in the meal (290) and the number of grams of fat (7) and tried to find something that fit into that category. First try was a chicken cutlet which had 14 g of fat...not a good choice.

Second try was some frozen chili I had made some time ago...it had bison meat (a lower fat meat), mushrooms (allowed), peppers (allowed), tomatoes (allowed) & spices (allowed)...so I ate that. I figured it was about as good as I was going to get in my house at this time. And I threw out about a 1/3 of the portion cuz I figured I should play it a little safe. I still feel really guilty that I couldn't stick to the plan 100%. The scale will tell the true tale tomorrow.

After dinner (& even before) I was really craving protein, like a big juicy steak or some pepperoni. I wanted to eat some but at the same time I didn't want to stray too much from the plan because I don't feel like I've given it a fair enough shot yet. I haven't even had a full week weigh in yet. I don't think one stick of deer pepperoni would make or break my week but it might...and I don't want to get into that mentality that it's "just a little".

Ah! I've said it before & I'll say it again, trying to lose weight is a full time job.

My hot husband

Just wanted to brag!

Day 9 (niner)

My first struggle today was the meatloaf I had for lunch. Now, the meatloaf itself was not so bad, nor were the potatoes, carrots & broccoli. It was the red "barbeque" sauce that was covering them that was the disgusting part. I'll absolutely be adding it to my "did not like" list.

My second struggle didn't come until after work when I had to gas up my car. I, unsmartly, went to gas up at the "good" 7-11 (a.k.a. the one with the wings). As I walked into the building to pay I was hit with a wave of wing aroma & I thought I was going to breakdown. Luckily I didn't have too much time to stand there & when the cashier asked "can i help you?" I said "just the gas". I paid for it & went home wingless.

Another day to check off the calendar, cheat free.

Oh, & I got home a bit later than normal so when I tuned in to check out what was on Oprah I had already missed the first 40 minutes. Which was disappointing cuz Kirsti Alley was on (the spokeswoman for jenny craig) as well as several guests who had lost weight. Wish I had seen the whole episode because I find it so inspiring to see others succeed!

T minus 48 hours until my next weigh in...

Day 8

This picture is from my wedding day (about 3 1/2 months ago). I chose to post this picture cuz it's a contender for one of my worst angles. My arms just look terrible here. It's unfortunate because my husband looks so cute in it. That's what I want to change, the way I feel about myself.

So this weekend was a challenge because Tyler (my husband) was home. He decided that he was making perogies & bratwurst for his supper and I almost died with desire to eat them (despite the fact that the perogies were burnt). My dinner was a shrimp stirfry which did taste good but I couldn't stop thinking that I wanted to eat his food...so sad. Thankfully common sense & willpower prevailed & I still haven't cheated on this thing.

Tyler was pretty unimpressed with the lack of "real" food in the house (I didn't want it around to tempt me) and how he had to cook his own meals but he was a trooper and didn't complain, much! The weekend wasn't as challenging as it could of been though cuz he was away hunting for a fair chunk of it.

I've made it through an entire week, by taking this thing one day at a time. I need to keep reminding myself that I am in control & that if I really wanted to eat something I could. But the question to ask myself is do I really want to eat that stuff & knowly accept the consequences (maintaining or getting more fat).

I have found that I haven't had as much energy yet this week. Hopefully that will change in time.

Days 0 - 6

So 6 long, long days ago I found myself purchasing yet another weight loss program. My friend Cat & I decided to go to Jenny Craig to see what they offered after an incident involving her, a inconsiderate doctor and four stinging words on a medical report "young, somewhat obese female"...

Day 0

I went there being skeptical: after all I have high standards for the program that's going to change my life (and be my co-star in my best selling memoirs). I was looking for something that was

-convenient,

-affordable,

-had variety,

-included all of the food groups,

-that could translate into a life long program, and

-promised to produce reasonable results.

After all it's not like I could live off of plain chicken & veggies all my life. After listening to what they had to say & reading the menu (I get chocolate cake?) I felt good about this program. So Cat & I enrolled in the program and left with 4 days worth of food and already weighing less as our wallets were now empty.

So that was Saturday. Our program didn't officially start until Sunday. So how did I spend my Saturday evening, the fattest day of the rest of my life? Gorging myself with practically every craving I could think of of course! Then as the evening came to an end I took the remaining junk food & ceremoniously dumped it into the trash can (just like I've done the 30 other times I've started a diet).

Day 1

I was so hungry I contemplated eating my arm. Here's the point where you think "life is so much easier being fat" & "do I really care how much I weight". Not to mention I started my first day with my first challenge: a spa party with a food spread to die for (meat, cheese, pickles, crackers, chips, homemade cookies, Jalepeno Poppers). And since it was my first day on the diet & I didn't know too many people at the party I didn't feel like announcing to everyone that I was declining all but veggies in the name of skinniness. Meanwhile the hostess is all but trying to shove the food down my throat and it's taking all my willpower to say "I really full actually" when ACTUALLY I'm starving. [side note: as soon as she found out about the diet she was pissed off that I didn't tell her & she felt shitty about the food forcing. Sorry Kelsey! My bad!] But I passed my first challenge, weakly. Gold star.

Luckily since Cat had enrolled into Jenny Craig too she kept me motivated to stick with it. But oh how I wanted to visit Express 24 & leave with an abundance of goodies. Instead I tried to get as creative as a person can with "free veggies" & an assortment of "free condiments". Ketchup & zucchini anyone?

Day 2 - Halloween!

Still felt like eating my arm AND possibly gnawing on my desk but I pressed through. That day I learned my lesson about storing some free foods at work (veggies, broth mix, etc) cuz I was dying & hey did I mention it was Halloween (i.e. junk food in abundance). But I made it & didn't cheat. Gold star sticker to me.

Day 3

Third challenge (it's been like the Olympics of weight loss challenges this week), Kelsey's birthday & we went out to lunch at my favorite restaurant Boston Pizza. So I do the smart thing and order a tossed salad (no tomatoes, no dressing - cuz the bastards didn't have any fat free dressing) & a diet pepsi. I spend the lunch eating my weak ass wilted salad and talking to keep myself distracted. But I made it again (gold star!), didn't cheat.

Then, an ephifany! I wasn't starving. Like the whole day. I just ate my predetermined portion sizes and that was it. Oh how I loved that day...maybe I could do this. Finally, was I on my last journey to weight loss? Had I begun my last diet? Would this be the last time I felt deprived? Only time would tell.

Day 4 - Weigh in Wednesday

So I wasn't as satisfied as the day before, but I was okay. Afterall today was Weigh in Wednesday so there's no temptation to cheat on weigh in day. I go to Jenny, get on the scale and...

two pounds. Not bad. Well pretty good for four days. But my negativity/realism steps in: it could be water weight... don't focus on the number... just cuz you lost 2 pounds in 4 days does not mean you'll lose 4 pounds in 1 week...can you really tell that you lost 2 pounds, like does your ass look 2 pounds smaller?

Okay but time to be positive. I feel better already, because I know I'm doing something proactive about my fat (cuz we all know bitching does not burn that many calories). And it seems like I can stick to this program. I go home feeling cautiously optimistic.

Day 5

Yeah so my meatballs & noodles tasted okay for lunch but shortly after I had to go home sick because I felt like I was going to explode. Could have been the Hep A vaccine I got the day before, could have been the diet pepsi I was drinking, could have been cuz it was my time of the month, could have been cuz I've drastically upped my milk drinking, OR it could be from the prepackaged meatballs...only time will tell. All I know is my new supervisor didn't seem impressed that I was leaving early for a sick day during my second week!

Day 6

So that brings me to today. End of the work week; which has been really stressful what with farmers & accountants being really grumpy at me over the phone and superiors having their expectations way too high for week 2 of a new job. What do you do after a stressful work week? That's right "go for drinks"...so I find myself yet again facing another challenge. I'm in Leto's lounge and I order a bland, slightly sewagey tasting diet pepsi (damn small town water/fountain pop). And...

I'm starving. But I do not feel like veggies. Or plain salad. So I just sit there and again distract myself with the talking, well bitching. Success. Maybe I discovered my main coping mechanism? Once at home, I eat my premade microwaved mac & cheese with green beans and fantasize that it's really the garlic butter shrimp that I kept smelling at Leto's.

**I have to be honest with myself at this point. The following statements do not mean that I won't continue to whine & feel deprived but...it's not like I haven't over indulged in the past. Afterall, as I'm so fond of saying "I didn't get fat by eating carrot sticks". I need to learn to look at food a fuel & less as a reward or prize.**

And now, back to our regularly scheduled Adventures of Fat Ass!